Blvd. Of Broken Dreams

I took that road. The one that everyone dreads. The one most people lose themselves on. The one that destroys people, that makes them give up and crumble into absolute nothingness.

I walked it alone. Wishing that I had some one to walk with me. 

And there she appeared. Like a punch to the face she hit me. That was a little over a year ago. My face still stings.

She took my hand. Held it tightly and never let me stumble. She knew that if I fell. I wouldnt be getting back up.

i love you for that J.

i love you for keeping me up.

keeping me smiling

keeping me on the way to greatness.

but most of all. i love you J. for being so perfect for me in every way possible.

The Destructors.

Has got to be my favourite short story ever. Written by Graham Greene somewhere between 1953-54? and published on the 24th July 1954.

The story is about a gang of kids that go by the name of the 'Wormsley Common Gang' named because their parents took shelter in the Wormsley Common Underground train station (presuming) during the london bombings of WWII (London bombings - FACT).

They recieve a new member before the August Bank holidays and wave their usual initiation.

Cut a...short story uhmm short. The gang decides to take Old Misery's (Thomas a builder) house down from the inside out during the 2 day holidays. On the second day Old misery returns home early and T. (Trevor) devises a plan to lock him in his backyard outhouse.

They tear the floor boards out. Knock the joists from the roof. Burn Old Misery's money that T found inside the mattress. If i may quote donnie darko to the best of my memory. Drew barrimore (teacher) asks the class to describe why THEY think T and Blackie burned the money to which Donnie (Jake Gyllenhall) replies "They didn't do it for money. They just wanted to see what would happen if they tore the world apart".

I think Greene is fingering our natural tendency to fight fear of destruction and disorder by settling into motion, empty routines and illusions of structure, like our homes. We hide out in them and risk going our entire lives and without ever really experiencing the full spectrum of life through change. (It's no coincidence Old Misery is trapped and rendered powerless by a simple structure for a very human practice, the outhouse.) The trappings of our lives, with which we invest so much importance and permanence, are so flimsy even children and an afternoon can destroy them.

The truth is, massive change can happen to us at any time and from as unlikely sources as we can imagine, like teens with hammers. Greene seems to be asking, will we be defenseless and vulnerable when that change comes, like an old man knee deep in shit? Or will we have prepared ourselves for it by willingly tearing down the structures around us and facing the chaos beyond? 

I think it's an uplifting story about the power of perspective. On the scales of influence, a building, along with its plumbing and wiring and soft pillows and all the rest of the things that represent our incessant need to delude ourselves into believing we've tamed the wildness of life, dies compared to the simple human will of bored kids.

I think Greene is saying, we have made our own prisons and called them home ... but breaking free is as easy as having the will.

And as I'm sure my girlfriend would love this here's a quote from Fight Club "the things you own end up owning you."

Sometimes - melanie horsnell.

Cut my skin and I bleed,
Just like anybody.
And I want and I need,
As much as anybody.
Sometimes I cry,
But doesn't everybody. 

Well I stumble and I fall,
Just like everybody.
Try to walk before I crawl,
But doesn't everybody.
Wish I could fly,
But doesn't everybody.

So im feeling a little down at the moment. it doesn't mean i love you any less beba. I think just a night to think. To get myself straight and ill be back to normal again. Don't think its the start of a world war piglet. because i can assure you its the beginning of a new era. a beautiful one.

im sorry i got weird,

but doesnt everybody?

There is.

there's this girl right? and she means the absolute world to me. word cant even begin to explain the magnitude of the emotions i feel for her.

its funny how things turn out isnt it.

like knowing someone for five years and then losing them for six. only to find out that when you find each other again, you are the perfect match. the perfect embrace. the perfect kiss. the perfect clash of the most perfect minds. the perfect love in this IMperfect world. its good to have some light through all this darkness. 

whether it be recessions or wars. tragedies or the world going to shit. i know that she'll for ever be there. by my side. holding my hand tightly. I could conquer the world with one hand. As long as you are holding the other.

its funny how things turn out.

like when you fall so deeply into your friends and families problems and just ignore your own. only to have that special someone SLAP you in the face and tell you to get over them and concentrate on yours.

its funny how things turn out.

america has gone to shit. which means australia has followed because we are turning more and more into them. conforming to their way of life. its funny how that australia didnt start to have an obesity "epidemic" until america did. if you dare, take a trip to america. LA and NYC n particular. count how many fat people you see. then come back and count the fat aussies. yeah. we dont have an obesity epidemic. a fat problem MAYBE but hardly an epidemic.

its ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS how things have turned out.

like how video games have just demolished the movie market. how i would rather stay at home and play games like KILLZONE 2 and C.O.D W.A.W because i cant stand going to watch a movie anymore. when was the last time a GREAT movie was made. sure you have the funny stuff like PINEAPPLE EXPRESS and ZACK AND MIRI but where are the movies that make you think? like 25th HOUR and FIGHT CLUB and DONNIE DARKO? they're gone. receding ever farther into the back of our minds where one day they will be forgotten.

its funny how things have turned out.

like how comic books aren't comic books anymore. people would rather go watch some soppy superhero movie than actually sit down with a comic just so they dont have to READ! people are getting less and less articulate these days. you know those people. the ones that have their own language. just so 'coppers' and civilians dont understand the things they say.

i LOVE how things have turned out.

because without my gorgeous juliana. this world is hardly worth living in.

i love you jul. you are my inspiration and my will power. thankyou, for loving me, because i absolutely adore and love you.

I LOVE YOU J.M

Why is it that whenever I lose hope, she's always there?

Whenever I'm depressed, she makes me smile?

When I don't want to talk to anyone, I talk to her?

When there seems to be nothing in my mind, why is she always there?

Why does she bother with me when I'm losing it?

Why does she try so hard?

It's funny how love works.

KIDulthood vs adulthood

It seems that from the moment we're born into this world we're being screwed. As babies, we can't do anything for ourselves.

we grow older, learn to walk and talk and develop all our motor skills, go to school and all the other things we do as kids. But god forbid we want to do something for ourselves. Apparently we need our parents and/or a teacher or carer around to 'help' us this goes on from the day we're born to about the age of fourteen.

at this stage we're developing into young adults. our parents like to classify us as young adults because we should start being responsible and be able to look after ourselves. BUT then comes the other side of this and when its conveniant to our parents we're not responsible and we can't make decisions for ourselves.

The world is hypocritical these days.

We grow older and and eighteen we are supposedly our 'own' person. we go to uni or tafe and we get marked down by our teachers because they havnt had their morning coffee or the night before fuck from their respective partners, or their just to god damned self hating that they have no chance of being happy.

we get a job. we get screwed over by our bosses, by people competing for our jobs. we get more and more work thrust upon us trying to get that promotion but it always goes to the young bastard. the one that's 'fresh' and 'hip' the one who knows whats going on in the world.

we have kids and they screw us over because we're screwing them over as parents (see above)

we grow old. we retire. we get screwed by the government. the pension isn't enough. our kids and grandkids don't visit often because 'granpa's house smells like old people'. our bodies slowly deteriorate and our bones break easily, we have heart problems.

we die.

James Byron Dean; February 8, 1931 - September 30, 1955.

"That guy's gotta stop. He'll see us". - j.b.d

This guy is probably the only person I look up to. 

He lived his life to the full, no matter what people thought.

And on September 30 1955 he showed his love of life by choosing to drive his Porsche 550 spyder; "Little Bastard", instead of towing it to Salinas, California. At 5:45 pm this choice tragically ended his life when his car crashed head on with another car.

The thing that amazes me about this man was that he was warned exactly seven days before his departure for the championship race that his car looked 'sinister' and that if he drove it, he would 'die inside inside it within seven days'. Yet despite this warning James chose to drive the car because he loved to experience the thrills of life. Adrenaline was his drug.

Probably the major reason that I love James Dean is that he will be 'forever young'.

Because I too, want to be Forever Young.

Here's to you James. You will live forever in our hearts and minds.

May you Rest In Peace.