I LOVE YOU J.M

Why is it that whenever I lose hope, she's always there?

Whenever I'm depressed, she makes me smile?

When I don't want to talk to anyone, I talk to her?

When there seems to be nothing in my mind, why is she always there?

Why does she bother with me when I'm losing it?

Why does she try so hard?

It's funny how love works.

KIDulthood vs adulthood

It seems that from the moment we're born into this world we're being screwed. As babies, we can't do anything for ourselves.

we grow older, learn to walk and talk and develop all our motor skills, go to school and all the other things we do as kids. But god forbid we want to do something for ourselves. Apparently we need our parents and/or a teacher or carer around to 'help' us this goes on from the day we're born to about the age of fourteen.

at this stage we're developing into young adults. our parents like to classify us as young adults because we should start being responsible and be able to look after ourselves. BUT then comes the other side of this and when its conveniant to our parents we're not responsible and we can't make decisions for ourselves.

The world is hypocritical these days.

We grow older and and eighteen we are supposedly our 'own' person. we go to uni or tafe and we get marked down by our teachers because they havnt had their morning coffee or the night before fuck from their respective partners, or their just to god damned self hating that they have no chance of being happy.

we get a job. we get screwed over by our bosses, by people competing for our jobs. we get more and more work thrust upon us trying to get that promotion but it always goes to the young bastard. the one that's 'fresh' and 'hip' the one who knows whats going on in the world.

we have kids and they screw us over because we're screwing them over as parents (see above)

we grow old. we retire. we get screwed by the government. the pension isn't enough. our kids and grandkids don't visit often because 'granpa's house smells like old people'. our bodies slowly deteriorate and our bones break easily, we have heart problems.

we die.

James Byron Dean; February 8, 1931 - September 30, 1955.

"That guy's gotta stop. He'll see us". - j.b.d

This guy is probably the only person I look up to. 

He lived his life to the full, no matter what people thought.

And on September 30 1955 he showed his love of life by choosing to drive his Porsche 550 spyder; "Little Bastard", instead of towing it to Salinas, California. At 5:45 pm this choice tragically ended his life when his car crashed head on with another car.

The thing that amazes me about this man was that he was warned exactly seven days before his departure for the championship race that his car looked 'sinister' and that if he drove it, he would 'die inside inside it within seven days'. Yet despite this warning James chose to drive the car because he loved to experience the thrills of life. Adrenaline was his drug.

Probably the major reason that I love James Dean is that he will be 'forever young'.

Because I too, want to be Forever Young.

Here's to you James. You will live forever in our hearts and minds.

May you Rest In Peace.

the missing piece

i am broken.

knowing that i have hurt you in this unimaginable way has shattered me into a billion tiny fragments.

i am more fragile than i appear at first glance.

nothing hurts me than seeing you hurt. nothing stings more than when you tell me we lost something we used to have.

and what's worse is that i don't know the thing we've lost so i cant go on a journey to retrieve that lost piece of us that has been misplaced.

you say eventually we'll be fine but i want to find that shard of enjay so i can place it back into your heart just so i can see the girl that i fell in love with. the gorgeous tiny you that would smile at my stupidity. and laugh at my randomness. the one who thinks im interesting because i know all these useless facts of our waking world.

all i want is for us to return to our former glory. the couple that everyone else wanted to be. the so perfectly miss-matched pair that we once were.

'through the darkness within me, you found my heart'. now the tables have turned, i must travel into the void that has engulfed that empty space in your heart to return the light that once shone so brightly through those beautifully aware eyes of yours.

i can tell you this, i will find it. i won't stop until it has been found and carefully replaced inside your heart.

this isn't a promise, because promises can be broken. this is me exposing myself and telling you that no matter what happens, it will be found. no matter what happens, i will always love you. no matter what happens, to me you will forever be mine.

young love

this is a poem i wrote a while back about a break-up that happened in my presence and is dedicated to that heartbroken guy, only he doesn't know it.

We broke up only yesterday,

seems like it's been years.

I sat down on my bed today,

crying lonely tears.

I know I cannot live like this,

dreaming what might've been.

I long to have just one last kiss,

and hear her voice so keen.

I think about her night and day,

asking what went wrong.

And how our love just flew away,

and knowing it's long gone.

I loved that girl so very much,

loved her with all my heart.

And ultimately dreaded,

the day we fell apart.

They say that to have loved and lost,

'twas better not loving at all.

I wish i would've known all that,

before i took that fall.

i was about 14 when this was written and i know the last stanza hardly makes sense but when does love ever make sense?

the trials and tragedy of Dr nickus

february 2008, i found out he was cheating on my mum. february 2008, i renounced my father.

as far back as i can remember, he was a great man, my dad. as the years drew on he became more lazy, less interested. he would take me to soccer training only because he HAD to, he used to force me to play in a higher division every year to make up for the fact that he dropped soccer when he was 17. so to spite him, i dropped soccer because that was his dream, not mine.

ever since the seperation, it's been much better. my mum hardly screams and she SMILES now. 

i only see 'him' to please my mum because apparently i need a father figure in my life. which is a load because anyone thatt would do that to my mum does not deserve my time.

as i watch from the sidelines, i see my brother turning against my mum and siding with him but darling benedetto sardisco II has always been the sardisco family's favourite. when it was just me and him i would always be second best. now we have marcus my first cousin and he just gets plain shafted by his grandparents on the sardisco side.

my family's fucked.

i need to work on my anger.

i remember one day after work with 'him' we were fighting as we usually did so i got out of the car. he followed me out and a few words were exchanged until the time where he got in my face. my eyes saw red, my brain clicked to kill and i pushed him back and punched him to the side of his head. he dropped and so i went down with him and just unleashed my unholy pent up fury on him, by the end of it my hands were aching and bleeding and his face was gashed like fuck. 

since then, the extent of our conversations are hello and goodbye. i have no time for him and it looks like he doesnt have time for me either. always with his loyal son benny. that fucking judas, after all mums done for him. he turns around and fucks her over. if he loves his dad so much why doesnt he go live with the dickhead?

i have more, but that shall wait for a later date. till then. stay sane

twelve years

TWELVE YEARS. six of which i would lay in bed as i got older and wonder if you thought of me as much as i did you.

these past 2 years that we, found each other again; if you will are the best & worst two i've ever had, but i know for about six months of those years you couldn't agree. we started talking about NBC that classic movie of a plastic skeleton that had ABSOLUTELY no idea that that tiny little rag-doll was madly in love and crazily in awe of him.

that's how we were.

you tried over and over again to show me how you felt. maybe i ignored it. maybe i was too busy chasing the many other girls i had before you. i'm sorry for that.

i would disappear for weeks on end and it would cut you so deeply. i'm sorry for that.

i was with her, you with him. we kinda forgot about each other.

and then you dumped him because you couldn't stand hurting him and you went a little''crazy'' if i may say.

then after six years of never laying eyes on each other, we finally met. you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen, you still are.

and then i disappeared again if i recall correctly, and upon my return i bore tales of my dreams about this mysterious girl who would always make me fall madly in love in every one that she was in.

as i started falling for you the girl started getting a face i could remember. she was you.

and after a night of convincing, you agreed to give us a go.

fast forward seven months and i couldn't be happier. as much as we fight and bicker and be pricks to eachother there's always going to be that love, love like nobody else has felt, to always pull us through.

tonight i want you to smile and tomorrow i want you to grin.

and i want you to always remember that I LOVE YOU.

i always will.

you once were my childhood sweetheart and we are soon to get our wish of spending forever, together.